First day back at work

So much has happened.  Little Man and I went to California all by ourselves and had a blast.  That is a post for tomorrow.  The post for today has to do with my first day back at work since having Little Man.  

I’m technically a part-time employee at school now, but the hours this week are a little weird.  We had a retreat today and some meetings for half days the rest of the week.  The tricky part is figuring out how to balance all of that time and make sure I get work done without being at the school all of the time.  

But let’s get to the heart of the matter.  

Today was the longest time that I’ve ever been away from Little Man.  We have a wonderful woman that I completely trust who is taking care of him, but I was still a complete, ridiculous mess.  I teared up a little on the way to the babysitter’s house, cried at her house, and on the way to the retreat center (thank God that Teacher Man was with me or I might not have made it).  Then, whenever people asked me about Little Man for the first 45 minutes or so, I would have to blot away the tears.  

I never thought this would be me, on so many levels.  

I thought that I would be able to stay home with my kids.  But, that’s not the wisest move for us, financially, this year and so I work.  

I never thought that being a mom would affect me emotionally as much as it does.  I never thought that I would be an attached parent.  I figured that it takes a village to raise a child.  I could rely on others to take care of my kids, no problem.  It’s so, so much harder than I thought it was going to be.  

One of the things we were supposed to reflect on when we were on our retreat today was how we balance our work life and our personal life.  I have no idea how I’m going to be able to balance my time with Little Man and getting my work done.  Even now, when I’m not actively teaching, I don’t have time to do the reading and work that needs to get done before work starts.  I’m worried.  I know that I’ll be able to do my job, but I worry about the toll that it will take on Little Man.  

Deep in my heart, I know that he’ll be fine.  It’s good for him to be around some other kids, his caretaker is great, and I’m helping our family financially.  

But, that doesn’t mean my heart won’t tear in two every time I have to say goodbye to him.  

For now, I’m going to try and make the most of it.  Snuggle with him just a little bit longer, read him a few more books, and give him a few more kisses.  

And take some deep breaths.  

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